MEDITATION ON GOD

My relationship with God is getting stranger and stranger every year. I was born into a Catholic family; even though my mom is a born-again Christian, she takes it more seriously than anyone else, a God-fearing woman, that is. She believes in her supernatural connection with God, who gives her strength and wisdom to endure hardship. She has been constantly praying so I quit liking boys, but I don't think she can change God's intention.

My mind wandered during a biochemistry lecture one day. I should have been focusing on what was being said about DNA replication and reparative mechanism from damages. Instead, it dawned upon me with certain questions that I am sharing with you below.

Is God perfect? Yes, God makes no mistakes. Is God nature? Yes, God is everything. If natural disaster is a natural mistake then God does make mistake, otherwise God is unnatural. To err is human, so God is either man-made or human after all.

I feel sometimes God is with me, sometimes he is not. Sometimes I prayed so hard so he would listen to me, what I wanted didn't happen. Sometimes I made a bet with the Devil about God's existence, it appears to me that God seems to exist depending on the circumstances.

I got frustrated with certain things the priests say at church, at the way people cherry-pick the Bible. God didn't write the Bible, some men from thousands years ago wrote it, having inspired by the words of God.

How do we know whether or not these men added their own personal prejudices to their writing, or if God had spoken to them in the first place at all?

I was on my way to church when I sprained my ankle last year, which caused me great despair for weeks to come. I was praying incessantly for my mom's understanding and acceptance of me. I was praying for my happiness, strength, wisdom, and peace of mind. I am obtaining these values day by day the hard way, and it is I who have to deal and learn from my mistakes.

I do think that God exists. Where? God is within your better self. The more you improve yourself for the better, the more you are closer to God.

Why go to church? People don't know how to find God on their own, so they seek assistance from other humans who are seeking God themselves. The latter of these also suffer from the same misery, illness, and death like the former. Nobody has ever come back from death to tell us about the life after.

Why suffer now when you will never get to know the uncertain yet everlasting happiness promised to you sometimes after your death, when you are nothing but fragments of memories?

Am I losing my religion? I still have my faith, the faith within myself, for the God within my better self. Alternatively, I must learn to accept my fate, but that sounds too fatalistic for me. Being human, we are fragile yet more empowered than we think.

Tell me. What has made more lunatics than it ever provided asylums for?